Hard

It's hardest on the weekends.  I have nothing but my things and my cat and my time and what I've learned is that I value my time and my cat.  The things can go.

Sometimes I think, when is it my turn?  And that's selfish, but it's what I think.

It's hard being good at what you do and not want to do it, but it's not like I've been told that I'm good.  I have to tell myself these things.  Maybe that's why they aren't being said right.

On the weekends I do things.  I do them alone.  And I've always done things alone, but only in the context of people.  With the context of choice.  Opting out.  Outsiders get in.  Outsiders are in.

But now I'm just the Outsiders.  I'm Outside magazine.  Ocean Kayaker.  A man walking alone on a beach is the picture of loneliness.  A man walking alone on a beach and some students see him, is pretty sad.  And they know it, and they see me try so hard, and they shouldn't have to know that.