Grr.

I thought I'd outline what how I really feel right now, instead of having some sideways talk.


I don't want to be teaching or in school anymore, and it's really pretty unpleasant. What I would do instead, is unclear. This is I guess, scary. But that's not really the word. It's unpleasant. It's unstable.

Whenever I have to plan for teaching, I don't feel passionate. I feel frustrated. I've got good ideas, that turn out pretty well. People tell me, "I'm a born teacher" and that makes me feel like I'm trapped.

Classes, I can sit through about 30 minutes. It feels like wasted time, stuff I already know, already have opinions on, and the right kind of opinions at that. Taking time to do classwork; reading, paper writing, feel impossible to carve out. I'm not committed to it.

I started writing about things I'd rather be doing. None of them are teaching. I'm writing this instead of planning lessons. I'm in debt, I feel obligated to finish, frustrated by the lack of jobs, and frustrated more by the fact that I don't want those jobs. Even in the best, most aligned with my own beliefs, schools that I've seen I can't stand the administration, the expectations, the atmosphere. I don't believe I have the authority to teach students, or even care to teach them.

I want to do stuff with my hands.
I want to go on a date.
I don't want to teach.
I don't want to go to school.

Those are my distilled feelings at this moment.